


love is a poison

by sunflower_8



Series: komahina week 2020 ! [6]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Am Bruh, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mentions of Cancer, Possibly Unrequited Love, She Says Whilst Addressing Herself, Suicidal Thoughts, Two Minds One Body, another vent, bruh, mentions of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23882887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: despair is not a symbol for his servitude, rather, it is the poison that he served to hide away from, terrifying and vile. a malady that wills his death quicker than cancer,quicker than love.he is despairing, then, because he is in love, and he hardly knows how to survive such a confession.(or, komaeda falls in love, despairing as he tries to overcome another plague)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Kamukura Izuru/Komaeda Nagito
Series: komahina week 2020 ! [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713769
Comments: 11
Kudos: 98
Collections: KomaHina Week 2020





	love is a poison

love is a poison.

this is one of the many conclusions komaeda has drawn in the times since he woke up from the neo world program to now. with too much time, little to do, and hardly anybody to talk to, he finds that thinking is his best pastime. even if thinking kills him a little, it doesn’t burn. it doesn’t throb.

in this way, thinking is greatly unlike love.

love is a seeping feeling that settles itself in the bones of its victim, filling their mind with fog and distortion. love is a plague, an affliction, a  _ pestilence _ \-- it is without a cure. it’s difficult to escape, shapeshifting into whatever proves most elusive. it ensnares the desperate, those who need to cling to someone, forcing them to submit to the pulsing presence of venom in their heart. love is not blind, but it blinds-- it blinds and it deafens and it defeats.

komaeda has a poison eating away at his heart, cancer that will provide him the release of death in due time. despite this, the poison of despairing love is  _ worse _ . he has enough evidence to declare it, to defend it, but not enough to fix it.

he cannot hide from love. but he can find refuge in the clifftops, far away from the others, far away from his cabin. he’s slept on the edge, before, against slippery rocks overlooking the sea. it’s peaceful in a sense, but more importantly, it serves as a penance. the feeling of isolation, the temptation to spill over the edge-- it’s painful in a sharp way. a different way, but enough to suffer through. 

enough for it to matter, really.

of course, he knows that eventually, he will be discovered. and so he feels the click against the rocks, the welcome of the ocean, more than he really  _ hears  _ it. he tenses ever so slightly, not turning around as he mutters, “i didn’t know you would find me here.”

“there’s only so many places you could be.” hinata replies, sitting beside komaeda. he tucks one of his knees to his chest, turning to look at komaeda. he doesn’t return the gaze, favoring observing the waves instead. a gorgeous hue of blue, rhythmically lapping at the shore, almost beckoning him to tilt off the edge and soar into its embrace. he would, really, but hinata reaches to rest his hand on his knee, and he suddenly can’t move at all. “why are you here?”

komaeda laughs, but it feels empty. “philosophical, are we?”

“you know what i meant.” it’s not a scoff, but his sigh is filled with typical irritation and exhaustion. still, he stays. “why are you so set on isolating yourself? tsumiki was looking for you yesterday and she couldn’t even find you. we were worried,” he scolds softly.

he smiles bitterly, looking at the sky. it’s going to rain soon. “why did tsumiki-san need me?”

hinata doesn’t reply for a while, seemingly lost in thought. komaeda’s fine with that-- he’s fine with sitting quietly for hours if it means he’ll be less of a nuisance. however, he doesn’t have to wait that long, as he hears the person beside him speak, “they finished screenings.” he hears the shift in the other’s voice and knows that it’s no longer hinata speaking. he doesn’t have to question more than that.

“they?” he inquires instead.

“the future foundation and tsumiki.” he elaborates coolly. “we need to start putting you on chemotherapy, but she must speak to you first.”

“chemotherapy?” he asks again. 

kamukura narrows his eyes. “you are familiar with the concept, no?”

attempting to recover from his illnesses is far worse than succumbing to the cancer. when he fails to fight it off, he anticipates how it will result, he knows how everything will end. however, there’s unpredictability in a future where he survives. endless time-- as endless as anything could be-- to do  _ anything.  _ it’s  _ terrifying _ . 

death is a mercy. life is not.

this is another statement he thinks often.

it occurs to him, then, that he has begun to shake and that kamukura has loomed closer. instinctually, he clings to his shirt, and he is pitied enough to be held back. there is still curiosity lingering despite the sympathy, enough to ask, “what is wrong, komaeda?”

“too soon,” he whispers. “it’s too soon, kamukura-kun.”

“the illnesses are not killing you anytime soon. i do not see the problem-”

“i’m not talking about my death.” he interrupts, recoiling when he realizes what he’s done. kamukura’s gaze does not shift in intensity, in disappointment, but he feels the familiar poison eat away at his heart. “i’m sorry, kamukura-kun, i-”

“it is fine.” he is toneless, disinterested. it’s worse than anything. “i am assuming, then, that you are against living? you are upset that any of us would attempt to save your life. it is not something that has even crossed your mind; you have isolated yourself here for a different reason.”

“you already know everything, then.” komaeda’s shoulders slump. “no point in talking to me.”

“incorrect,” kamukura refutes. “i do not know why you are here. neither does hinata, which is unfortunate as i figured he would… regardless. what is your concern?”

komaeda feels a tug in his gut again, a pain in his chest that makes his head throb and his hands shake. this is love, he realizes, when he looks at the other who carries concern in his eyes. his gentle touch, his decision to stay-- this is love. love is poison. his voice is aching when he breathes out, “why do you care?”

kamukura doesn’t reply.

he lets go of the other’s shirt, awaiting his response and smiling more when he receives nothing. he’s done something despicable-- stunning the other beyond words-- and he must pay a price for this. he  _ must _ . or perhaps the punishment he desperately craves is for loving the other despite having the knowledge that would drive him away, attest to hatred. he loves hinata and he loves kamukura, and the feeling is akin to despair.

he doesn’t want to despair again. not after everything-- the feeling of manicured claws against his back, a collar signifying his humility, bruises from the nightmares and dreams of his living reality. despair is not a symbol for his servitude, rather, it is the poison that he served to hide away from, terrifying and vile. a malady that wills his death quicker than cancer,

quicker than love.

he is despairing, then, because he is in love, and he hardly knows how to survive such a confession.

a hand touches his cheek, and he looks up into his companion’s eyes. the mechanical ease of the movements and the glimmer in his red eye suggests that kamukura is still there, but there’s a certain twinkle in the green eye as well. he closes his eyes, unable to face the confusion, and listens to the soothing voice as it commands, “breathe.”

he tries, a gasping breath, and it leaves an emptiness in his chest. he scrambles to cling closer to kamukura, who simply repeats. “breathe.” he then continues, brushing through komaeda’s hair. “you are hurting and i fear i am at fault. is this a correct assessment?” he can’t reply, staring at the other with what he imagines are terrified eyes. “i apologize. i understand you cannot answer presently. however, i would like to inform you, on behalf of both me and hinata, that if there is any problem pertaining to us, you should discuss it. to put my frustrating care into blunt words, your death will be owed to the emotions you are concealing, not the illnesses themselves.”

“i can’t tell you,” he whispers. “you have to understand, i can’t tell you. don’t you already know?”

a beat. “i do not know, komaeda, and this frustrates me deeply. i would like for you to inform me, if you may, and i apologize for my lack of awareness.”

“don’t apologize,” he pleads, scrambling to pull himself closer to the other, to feel his warmth. “please don’t apologize, kamukura-kun, i-”

“what is wrong, komaeda?”

“it  _ hurts _ !” he finally breaks, his voice filled with pain and misery. “it hurts so bad i can’t  _ breathe _ ! but i can’t fix it! i can’t tell you what i’m thinking, because if i did, if i heard your response, no matter what i may be, it would hurt so much worse. i am being  _ killed,  _ kamukura-kun!  _ i am being  _ **_killed!_ ** and i am powerless to do anything, and i-” he chokes on a sob, trembling. he is frail aside from his grasp on kamukura’s jacket. he lets out a final plea, “please kill me. please.”

“i will not,” kamukura responds promptly,

and it feels as if everything has fallen apart.

his cries are punctuated with the sharp pangs of desire, the strength of his yearning enough to feel as if every bone in his body has snapped, every muscle and viscera soaking in disease. despair turns his thoughts to static, and he can hardly think beyond his own hatred. he gags on the lump in his throat, the festering sobs that leave him weak and unable to move. he wants everything to stop; he fears the fever pitch he may have to endure if this continues. he wants to escape the humility of being so useless, pathetic,  **_disobedient_ ** in front of hinata and kamukura, but he can’t stop himself from letting out soft whines of agony.

when he feels a kiss against his forehead, his heart stops and he is unsure whether it is kamukura or hinata who had taken over to make that decision, or perhaps both. regardless, the love and gentle affection in that touch is suffocating, enough so that he shakes his head violently against the other’s chest. he is silent despite it all, holding him tightly and running his fingers through his hair, nonplussed at the decision of expressing such kindness, such mercy.

a similar mercy to death, in fact.

everything begins to simmer eventually, and when komaeda looks over the brunet’s shoulder to gaze at the sky, he sees that it is starting to darken. he may have been sobbing for hours, overcome with despair, and the other never faltered in his decision to remain. his throat is scratchy, but he forces out the words, “i’m sorry.”

“don’t be,” hinata responds, giving him a soft smile. “c’mon. i can take you back to my cabin and we can talk. i’ll listen.”

“i’m going to die.” he knows it’s unrelated to hinata’s comment, but he can’t help but try to desperately convey his point, to let the other know how intertwined with despair he is. 

hinata doesn’t seem to understand this. “didn’t kamukura tell you? you’re going to be alright. i’m here-- both of us are here-- and we can protect you.”

“you’re what i need to be protected from,” komaeda mumbles. “but you don’t understand.”

his lips twitch downward. “it appears i don’t. i want to get you somewhere cozier, though. let’s go back to the cottage, yeah?”

he hesitates for what feels like forever encapsulated in a single second. a decision to make, despair still overcoming him, and- “yeah.” 

hinata smiles, and komaeda wishes it could make him feel safe, just as it used to.

instead, it aches. 

**Author's Note:**

> island mode au | despair | poison
> 
> bruh life would be so much easier if i wasn't so emotionally unstable but if i project onto komaeda i may feel less pain.
> 
> okay actually no i won't but i can make him suffer which is always neat.
> 
> eheh. bye.


End file.
